The Perspective – Fantasy Football Recap – Week 1
Just when I thought Cam Newton had gone off and destroyed all that is sacred about the NFL and rookies sucking and Cam not being Tim Tebow. He drops the hammer to the floor, he puts the biscuit in the basket, he brings the heat to the kitchen…which was almost enough to divert our lust lorn gaze away from the chosen one. He whom bringeth the NOISE, He whoeth exclaims, “you are not ready for this jelly.” Mr. Tom Bundchen-Brady
Thus begins our week 1 recap.
TEAM ZALLA’S BALLER’S – We enjoy the names in the league this season, as the level of creativity has gone from a 3rd grader coloring in a picture of an owl while sniffing glue and eating glitter to that of literary geniuses! Until we come to Zalla’s Ballers? You gotta pick a side and go with it. Either thug passion it out with “Zalla’s Balla’s” or go professor on us “Thee Zaller’s Baller’s” Its the equivalent to Giuseppe’s Pizzeria versus Giuseppe’s Chinese Buffet. The More you Know! <— Click to watch PSA!
OK, seriously now. ZALLA’S BALLA’S vs. A RIVERS RUNS THROUGH IT
Tom Brady. The End. If brady had been born a normal human being instead of Clark Kent, this win wouldve never happened, but that’s like saying, if Kenny Britt had started instead of Double Dwayne Bowe, then ARRTI would have won this matchup. No, I guess that’s not like saying it, that was actually said. To be fair, Peyton Manning is having his computer processor retooled in time for the launch of Windows 8 and Arian Foster is trying to tweet more pictures of his blown out hamstring. Zalla’s balla’s team is solid and the other 7 teams in this league can only hope that Erin gets fatigued holding her championship belt up, allowing us to beat her. ARRTI had their chances, but this week was a failure from the get go and even as good as things looked heading into Monday night, when the golden boy gets that look in his beautiful, dreamy brown eyes…NOOOOO, don’t look directly at him!!!! Let’s move on.
WHERE MY BLITZES AT? vs. MCDANIEL
This contest ended surprisingly closer then expected. Both Joe Flacco & Eli Manning did well and some stars produced for McD’s. McD’s might have the roster of the best first names…ever? Hakeem, Maurice, Jahvid, Marcedes, Sebastian & Eli. That’s Fantasy Football Nickname Gold!!! We need more cowbell McD. “Couldnt afford a car, so she named her son Marcedes!” or “Just put it on SeaBass-tian’s tab!” As for WMBA… The duo of Tony”My 4th quarters make LeBron look good”Romo & Aaron Rodgers should keep them on the right side of Double-U’s for the foreseeable future.
PREEZEE DUZIT vs. STAFFORD INFECTION
Solid names fellas. Solid Names. Even better icons. This was by far the best matchup of the week, as the outcome was undetermined until the lights went out. First PD doesn’t have a kicker, then he has Dan Carpenter which is like not having a kicker, then Cam Newton possesses the soul of Mike Vick and almost doubles his points output. (Keep in mind, that Carolina played possibly the worst passing defense in the league and their starting DB was injured, but I digress, Cam almost was the best QB this week). Stafford Infection (Winner for best name of the week!) stole the show with Brees and Stafford bringing the pain. If Wes Welker keeps this up, then SI could be around at the end, for sure. Then again, he could get Austin Collie’d and have to eat solid foods through a tube. When Stafford takes the field next week, we imagine he will be screaming this… (fast forward to :20 second mark)
NOT LOOSING (Sic) TO MY WIFE THIS TIME vs. WHATCHOO TALKING BOUT HILLIS
Brothers/Best Friends forced to do battle. A common story, told many different ways. For instance…
In the end, this was an epic beatdown. The 1st pick in the draft is often more a curse then a blessing and choosing Adrian Peterson in a league where QB’s score between 25-50 points each week while a RB gets you 8-20 points is gonna leave a mark. Maybe Kolb keeps it up and certainly Big Ben improves, because at worst, he can’t throw the ball to Ed Reed of the Raven’s anymore. As for NLTMWTT, what a balanced attack. This team is like a bowl of grape nuts with soy milk and a banana on the side. Hardly a dent in the armor or a weakness in the roster. This team may be a pest all year or Hasselbeck returns to being Hasselbeck and Arian Foster returns to make Matt Schaub irrelevant all over again. Either way, this week was a resounding bellow from the mountain top that, in fact, he may not be LOOSING to his wife…this time.
Week 2 predictions forthcoming. Until then, find your inner peacock.