Week 9 Fantasy Football Predictions & Prognostications
Its been an eventful and somewhat morose week….
* Randy Moss is a Tennessee Titan. Welcome to Ol’ Rocky Top… I’m sure this will go well!
* Shawne Merriman will have to find a new place for himself & Tila Tequila to live, as he plays in Buffalo now.
* Lil’ Wayne is a free man. Released from Rikers. Congrats, you earned it!
* Gucci Mane was arrested and subdued with pepper spray. Burr, Burrrr! Ha!
* Midterm Elections – GOP taking back the house.
* Numerous Bull Shark sightings in the shallows at Siesta (Yes, I went for a solo open water swim Tuesday evening at 5:30pm. Maybe a poor decision)
* Did anyone notice that the SF Giants won the World Series. I stopped watching when the Rays were eliminated.
* Pro Surfer, Andy Irons passed away at age 32, from Dengue Fever.???? Dengue Fever? WTF?
UPDATE – they also found Xanax & Ambien in his system. When will people learn? Sad.
* Antoine Dodson has made more money then most of us will in the next 5 years. Antoine is the “They rapin’ everybody” autotune guy with his own itune song and ringtone.
* Myspace was put “On Notice” by Newscorp (Fox), its owner, that its losses and lack of popularity are unacceptable and changes must happen. Our once mighty Myspace may be on its last gasp.
* The McRib returned. Like a family of raccoons in your attic. Welcome back.
And what a nice segue! Welcome back to you as well. This weeks predictions may have a sharper edge then normal.
Let us grab our agents cell phone number, the direct number to our attorney’s office and a handful of pills and a bottle of Stoli, cause we’re headed to rehab in our train wreck matchup comparisons.picture via theonion.com
Our CHARLIE SHEEN Matchup of the week. Both teams keep getting chances to redeem themselves only to be caught naked in a holiday inn with a bag full of cocaine, a passed out hooker, their vehicle in a gulley at the bottom of a cliff and the abused spouses waiting at home for their alimony checks to feed their pain pill addictions.
Starting from the bottom and rising to the top this week, we will start with “THE ELIMINATOR” game!
HE’S STILL GOT IT! Facing THE BIG BENBOWSKI Both teams are staring 3-5 records squarely in the face.
Now, technically, even with a loss, and a 3-6 record, the loser could win out and finish 7-6 and I imagine, depending on previous matchups and head to head records, the playoffs could still be a possibility, but a torturous journey it will be. At least 5 teams will be ahead of you vying for that last of 4 playoff spots as well. Bottom line….Win this game!
All 4 QB’s have juicy matchups. Whomever’s QB’s DO WORK, will take this matchup, straight up.
If the QB battle is close, then we think LeSean pulls out his juju beads and drops some VooDoo on… his owner. Hakeem Nicks and Fitzy I are gonna go off!
Benbowski – 105 over HSGI – 102
The JAMARCUS RUSSELL matchup of the week. So much potential, So much hope dawned anew on a season long march toward the championship! Derailed! FAIL. Ray Rice & Matt Schaub are the cough syrup in this story with Donovan McNabb and every other QB started on C&tC as the Oakland Raiders. The high WR draft picks that were all busts because Jamarcus Russell sucked donkey balls can be played by Pierre Thomas and Felix Jones.
CALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS (2-6) facing MANNING & RIVERS, INC. (5-3)
Well, already up against the wall, the chipmunks begin there march to win out. Drop one game and all hope is extinguished. Similar to being a conspiracy theorist and living in your mothers basement, lining your walls with aluminum foil and wearing a hat made of chicken wire and magnets, the chipmunks need to focus and find their happy place, because if Derek Anderson & Matt Schaub can’t learn how to throw a forward pass and defeat the juggernaut of Peyton & Phillip (which sounds like a London Financial Brokerage Office), then fantasy Armageddon awaits. Regarding M&R, Inc, the 60%-75% theory still applies, although we probably need a catchier name then that. Any suggestions? Keep them to yourself.
M&R, Inc – 137 over C&TC – 90
Our TIGER WOODS / ELIN NORDEGREN matchup of the week. This is the matchup where you actually still kind of like both parties, hope for a resurgance on the links for Tiger, and in life for Elin. Same goes for both of these teams. We think the trade was necessary and not bad overall and RC is a surprising 3-5, if she could only figure out the right QB’s to start on the right week! Oy Vey! Just Do It? For the record, we think Tiger woods is a jackass for cheating on Elin and his kids, but $100+ million and embarrassment later, we hope for good golf.
SCOREING (sic) EARLY AND AUSTIN (5-3) versus TEAM RC (3-5)
How RC is 3-5, still boggles my mind. Her QB Black hole always seems to suck the wrong player to the bench and start the underachiever. This week, she has no choice and is stuck with Henne & Kitna as they will go heads up against newly acquired Cassel and Eli. In our opinion, we think this may finish quite even. Henne’s matchup against Baltimore sucks, but Kitna HAS to go bonkers on Green bay, whereas Cassel against Oakland means Run, Run, Run and look for a 3 to 1 Run to Pass ratio. Eli plays Seattle who has a somewhat surprising defense (last weeks game excluded…sometimes you mean to fart, and instead it’s a shart…or Jason Campbell (he is kind of a shart)) We love Darren McFadden and as long as RC changes roster, the loss of CJ and S-Jax on Byes (re: see luckiest team in the world comment regarding AUSTIN) hurts, but can be made up. The fantasy gods demand a Win from RC, so we succumb as well.
RC – 99 over SE&A – 97
Our JESSE JAMES matchup of the week. I mean, we just don’t have any explanation for these teams. Its like bizzaro world or something out of a stephen king novel. Rooster pulled Vick out of the waiver wile scrap pile and in essence found a Nolan Ryan mint condition rookie card at a garage sale. For EV, Joe flacco and Cedric benson have been the equivalent of spoiled rotten kids leeching off their wealthy parents. They do very little positive and just suck the life out of this team. The relation to Jesse James is we can’t wrap our heads around this d-bags lack of brain cells. He is married to an amazing woman who is classy, seems fun, makes mad bank, and seems like an all around catch. Then after he blows all that up… Kat Von D? Its no fun fishing if the fish jump into your boat.
ROOSTER (5-3) versus EV’s ALL-STARS (4-4)
If anyone can explain to me, like a 3rd grader, how Rooster is 5-3 and how EV is 4-4, I am all ears. I just can’t seem to fathom how the rosters and schedules played out this way. Its awesome! This game seems way too easy to predict, so I’m just rolling with it. No Mojo3 or Brandon Lloyd for EV means a huge FF point loss.
Rooster – 119 over EV’s – 79
Our BRITNEY SPEARS / KEVIN FEDERLINE matchup of the week. This basically describes one team heading in one direction while the other is heading in the opposite direction. Pretty simple stuff. I think based on winning and losing streaks, you can figure out who is the Federline in this matchup. Remember there was a point when Britney (1-2 record for IANHG) was bald wielding an umbrella into the side of an SUV. And Federline’s redemption was a spot in a Burger King Commercial. Just Saying.copyright by thesunblog.com
I AINT NO HASSELBECK GIRL (6-2) versus STOP THE BLEEDING (4-4)
On paper this looks like it could get ugly 140 – 100, but once the monocle comes out, the closer inspection looks a little different, in our eye anyway. We think this matchup comes down to the wire. This is due to Stafford facing Jets D or do I actually start Favre against Arizona… I am hesitant to get FAVRE’d again. I know the stove is hot, but I can’t stop touching it! The only saving grace is Fitzy II plays Chicago and if the Bears actually play D, could shut him down. In all confidence, the rest of the roster rundown looks like a slaughter for IANHG, but anything can happen.
Hasselbeck Girl – 139 over Stop The Bleeding – 134
Its been a steady progression to this point in the season with a pretty smooth commish and enjoyable draft, so raise your glass, take a breath and smash that glass over your head because this is your wake up call to stop being stupid and start being awesome. Your Welcome!