Folks, times sure have gotten tough, economically speaking. There’s no point in splitting hairs here (it’d take too long to find one on this cue ball of mine anyway!), so I’m just going to give it to you straight: We’re in a recession. A deep one. Deeper than Dolly Parton’s cleavage. Deeper than a poetry reading at the bottom of the ocean. I’m telling you, we’re so deep in this recession, I just watched the dollar fall below a dinosaur fossil.
One still buried underground!
The onion, “America’s finest news source”, is a spoof online news provider, but probably one of the wittiest and most well written news sources out there. Roger Dudek is one of their most creative and entertaining writers.
Yes, loyal readers, the stock market’s been sinking faster than a skydiving Titanic and, surprise, surprise, your old pal Roger’s going down with the ship.
Yes, I’ve gotten into quite a spat with Mr. Jones—Mr. Dow Jones—and boy does he hit below the belt. Don’t even ask me how my 401-Not-So-OK is doing!
More like I got 401-KO’d! The stock market. Now there’s a laugh. If you ask me, they should call that place the Woodstock market.
Why? Because anyone who wants to get in is probably high. On drugs! I didn’t even know I had money in the darn thing until it was already gone. See, my brother-in-law John manages all my money. He’s an accountant. Whenever I see him, I always say, “John, there are only two things accountants are good at: fixing numbers.” Gets him every time.
What gets me is all this bailout nonsense. Whole thing’s an inch shy of robbery, if you ask me.
After all, I don’t need the government taking money out of my wallet and deciding how to spend it…. That’s my wife’s job!
And speaking of Rosemary, can someone tell me what happened to women in the workplace? I thought the whole point of the women’s lib movement was to get wives out of the kitchen so they could start bringing home the bacon. (Sorry, ladies—the low-fat turkey bacon.)
These days, our household sure could use another breadwinner. Heck, I’d settle for an extra muffinwinner—or even just a packet of crackers! With all the money we’re spending on therapy bills and expensive miniature urns, I’ve got former presidents leaving my wallet like it’s the White House on Inauguration Day! Yikes!
The hilarious rant continues at this link provided here:
The story was originally written by Roger Dudek